Comic Review: The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl

If a series gets two first issues in the same year, you know it's got to be either really good, or a shameless cash in.
Thankfully, The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl #1 (Volume 2?), by Ryan North and Erica Henderson, is heaps of the former, coming out with a great first issue, for the second time this year.

With not much comedy on the shelves in modern day, it's good to see Marvel put out something both alternative, and actually really funny. The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl is, in essence, a superhero sitcom, with our titular heroine attending college, making friends, and defeating villains on the side. This incarnation of Squirrel Girl is the most well formed of the character to date, with a distinct lovable personality, yet remaining grounded and not too looney to be unrealistic. For a character who talks to squirrels as her main superpower, she's remarkably identifiable, being an otherwise typically socially awkward young woman.
The dialogue is sharp and witty, falling somewhere between the humor of 'Communuty' and 'Spaced', with a cast of exceedingly likable new characters like Squirrel Girl's college roommate, the cat-obsessed computer science major Nancy, and the beginnings of Squirrel Girl's own adorable animal-themed supergroup: Chipmunk Hunk and Koi Boi (Who talks to fish and slowly grows to fit the size of his container)
It's sharp on the social commentary, in a not-so-subtle-in-your-damn-face kinda way, with all the main characters being modern college students, they talk like actual young people, and the whole thing is a nice breath of fresh air, both with the multi-racial characters and the openly feminist themes. Also returning is the mini commentary by the creators in tiny text at the bottom of every page, offering often hilarious insight. 

The downfall here is that Squirrel Girl's personality in other comics may seem derivative after reading The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl, as her personality elsewhere just doesn't match up to her wit and intelligence here. She's a recent addition to the New Avengers team, and her appearance there (so far, at least) is occasional one panel comic relief.. With a passing joke about her new teleporter in The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl, they blew away all the comedy in the New Avengers in one go. Squirrel Girl as a character is evolving because of this series, and it may take a while for other books to catch up to that.

The funniest thing about The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl may be her almost meta-awareness of her place in the Marvel Universe. She heads over to Tony Stark to borrow a Squirrel shaped Iron Man outfit, because she can! She's friends with Deadpool, because who wouldn't be? There's a brilliant throwaway gag as Squirrel Girl's mother explains exactly why technically (and legally) Squirrel Girl isn't a mutant. It's fun stuff, and the new series looks to be even better than the last. With writer Ryan North finding a continuous pace that keeps getting more enjoyable to read, and artist Erica Henderson giving a distinctive, expression heavy style to the characters that fits perfectly.

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl is one of the best comedy books of the shelves at the moment, not because of obvious jokes, but because of charm and character. If the strength of the new first issue is any indication, it looks like Squirrel Girl has a lot of adventures ahead.

 

Comic Review: Karnak.

With Marvel's largest crossover in history winding to a close, the next month sees a whole range of new books, comprised of both returning series and brand new names. In this post Secret Wars universe, we're promised a change in the Marvel Universe as we know it, with new characters and new teams taking center stage.

Amid the obviously eye catching new titles like Wolverine and the various new Avengers books, one that may fly under the radar, or be overlooked entirely, is Karnak.

For those unfamiliar with the character, Karnak is one of the long term members of fringe superhero group The Inhumans, and although he has his dedicated fans, one often overshadowed by bigger and more exciting members of the group like Black Bolt, the Inhuman king who can crumble mountains with a whisper,  or Medusa, with her prehensile hair and cold as ice royal conduct.
Karnak takes the role of adviser to the Inhuman royal family, and although he has no real powers as we know them, he is possessed of the preternatural ability to find the weaknesses, both literal and existential, in all things. A subtle talent, but one the right writer can work magic with.

Fortunately, Karnak has been placed in the hands of one of the comic industries most significantly gifted writers, Essex-born Warren Ellis. A veteran writer perhaps best known to comic fans for creating science fiction classic Transmetropolitan and genre bending superhero title The Authority, Ellis is known for mature themes, gritty characters both humorous and horrific, and presenting the audience with a view of our own world through some very cracked lenses.

Ellis's Karnak begins with the titular character in seclusion in a monastery of his own making, when he is dragged from his peaceful contemplation by agents of SHIELD seeking his skills in the matter of a kidnapped Inhuman child. Ellis's token commentary on society as we know it is clear right from point one, as we find that Inhumans, while recognized by the government, aren't protected by the same rights as 'normal' citizens, and Karnak is employed as an independent agent, operating outside the rules of SHIELD to track down the child that no one else is caring to find.

The dialogue is sharp, intelligent, and a joy to read. The potential plot may only be in its infancy, but it's gripping from the get-go, and Karnak's personality is clearly defined in every scene. A man of deep thoughtfulness, sardonic humor, and intense bitterness. Karnak refers to his unique perception as a curse, being profoundly aware of the flaws in all things, even that which is wonderful and beautiful. To Karnak, nothing can be perfect, as the flaws are the first thing he sees.
The art is nothing short of steller as well, Gerardo Zaffino's distinct style fitting the gritty theme perfectly, with rough edges and deep shadows, and Karnak himself being redesigned into a  significantly less 'cartoony' look from previous appearances. Zaffino is able to lend a feeling of movement and velocity to his art that is wonderfully demonstrative of Karnak's incredible precision.

Of everything I've picked up from Marvel's new season of books, Karnak is the one I was interested to read the least, yet found myself enjoying the most. It's a poignant reminder that a character previously of little to no interest, in the right hands can become something startlingly exciting. 

10 Crap Supervillains No Hero Ever Wanted to Fight

Not everyone can be Darkseid. Not every mutation can create the Juggernaut or Apocalypse. There's just too many heroes going around for every one of them to have an arch-nemesis like Ultron or The Green Goblin.

That's why there's these guys. The villains no hero ever wanted to have in their rogues gallery. The ones even the lowest ranking Avenger would leave out of their tales of triumph at Tony Stark's next mixer.

1. Dansen Macabre

This feisty young lady first appeared in a Marvel Team up starring Spider-Man and Werewolf. This disciple of a Nepalese cult devoted to Kali (incorrectly labeled as the Goddess of Death) pirouettes around stark naked but for some conveniently located streamers of black energy while boasting some very poorly explained powers, like being able to not be noticed unless she wants to be (wrong outfit for subtlety, love), and then, on the polar opposite of the scale, being able to hypnotize anyone who watches her dance. Apparently she can kill people with her dancing too, but we never see that.

Villains based on the performing arts are understandably interesting. Take Clayface for example; the passion and obsession of an actor makes a great villainous concept. The beauty and precision of a dancer is just as exciting, and that's why Marvel already have a villain who is a dancer; she's called Spiral, and she is AWESOME. You don't see Spiral prancing around in the buff trying to get the attention of a second rate hero team like the Midnight Sons.

So much more could have been done with a character inspired by the most complex of Hindu deities. Although she did turn up again recently in Marvel Zombies, poor Dansen Macabre has gone the way of most dances of the 80's. Into obscurity.

2. Mighty Endowed

Yeah, you read that right. Nina Dowd was a talented (but plain) archaeologist working on the dig of her career, and upon discovery of a mysterious relic from an ancient civilization, she just couldn't resist reaching out to touch it. The magic of the object transformed the woman into a supervillain of unique and terrible dimensions. When Young Justice turned up to battle her, they had no idea they would be confronted with the Mighty Endowed.

You guessed it, she's got magic tits.

Dowd was transformed into a sexy cat-like woman, bearing the most powerful breasts in comic book history. Too great in scope and magnificence to ever appear on the page, they emit a blazing strobe light that can hypnotize and control minds with but a single glance, or just plain freak people out. Young Justice brace themselves for the fight of their lives against the fearsome Endowed, only to have her upper body weight drag her over to lie helplessly on the floor, until she's dragged away and imprisoned.

The craziest part is, the bicycle-like object she touched is revealed to be of Apokoliptic origin, belonging to the New Gods, and actually a big part of DC universe lore. What's next for the Mighty Endowed? Think of the plot opportunities! Kryptonite pasties! The ultimate chest-off against Power Girl!

3. Crazy Quilt

There was a time when all it took to be a Batman villain was a really dodgy bit of tailoring. None more so were guilty of this most heinous of crimes than the malevolent Crazy Quilt.

A throwback from forgotten comic Boy Commandos, Crazy Quilt would reappear to terrorize Gotham City. Now Crazy Quilt actually has a fairly interesting backstory, unlike most of these losers. A skilled painter with many dark connections to the criminal underworld, Crazy Quilt left clues to heists in his paintings (sixty years before the Da Vinci Code, people!). When betrayed and shot by a fellow criminal, Crazy Quilt's eyesight is irreparably altered to see nothing but blindingly bright colours all the time, like being stuck in Saturday morning television forever.

Naturally, becoming Crazy Quilt and engaging in a colour based crime spree, he creates a helmet that blazes bright colours and....hypnotizes. Oh. That again. Also, sometimes he fires lasers.

Crazy Quilt would return to menace Batman and Robin on many occasions in the Golden Age, but was thankfully mostly forgotten about by the time a more fashionable metal came around. 

4. The Orb

The Residents were popular in the seventies, that much is clear. This eye catching chap was a Ghost Rider villain who appeared to be halfway between Evil Knievel and a Masters of the Universe action figure. Disfigured in an accident during a motorcycle race against Ghost Rider's old mentor, Drake Shannon was left horribly scarred and burning for revenge. He was then given his signature great big Eyeball helmet for NO CLEAR REASON by They Who Wield Power with which to retake the traveling motorcycle show he once part owned. And he occasionally took part in some petty larceny when someone remembered him enough to use him. The Orb thinks big.

As for the powers of the dreaded Orb? ...Hypnosis. How groundbreaking. Oh and sometimes.... he fired lasers. Again.

Let's face it, the Orb just can't compete. I'd take a villain with a great rack over a big eye anytime.

NEWS! The Orb has stepped up his game with a major new appearance in a Marvel Universe crossover event in recent times. Not to spoil anything, but it's the event with the great big eye on the cover of every issue. What's next? Mighty Endowed partners with Darkseid? Crazy Quilt confirmed main antagonist in Arkham Knight? The possibilities are endless!

5. Stiltman

It generally takes some examples of truly exceptional level talents to be a superhuman. We're usually talking world class Engineer, Technician, Athlete, etc. No one who is just kinda good at their Tech career becomes Iron Man. Elektra didn't get a B in gymnastics. Wilbur Day was the guy who just didn't quite excel in supervillain school. When he stole advanced designs to construct that stupid ass metal outfit I'm sure he was damn proud of himself and all, and that's good. But when your name, and the main feature of your ability deals with having long legs that go up and down, you aren't going to be leading the masters of Evil anytime soon.

Now go take a look at Stiltman's Wikipedia page. 'Competent Engineer and Inventor'. Yeah, so was the smart kid in high school shop class. 'Moderately Talented disguise artist'. I could better than that after my first year in Drama school. And this loser goes around acting like he's on the same level as Iron Man and Crimson Dynamo.

They'd take one look at his resume over at Stark Industries and the best job he'd get offered would be cleaning up Hulk poo.

Stiltman and his amazingly long legs would commit robberies of very high places. Occasionally tangling with the likes of Daredevil. He turned up a lot over the years somehow, battling a variety of heroes who foiled his nefariously tall schemes. Until of course he tangled with the Punisher, who showed Stiltman what was what and shot him in the face, and that was the story of Stiltman. You could say... it was a tall tale.

6. Mad Mod

Now if being British was a superpower, I would be Doomsday. I British way better in a more British way than most other British people could hope to dream of. Mad Mod, on the other hand, took it to the next level. Mad Mod made a villain out of Anglophilia.

A Teen Titans villain whose ENTIRE deal was being British, Mad Mod was an artsy fashion designer with a Beatles haircut who made a criminal career out of importing designer clothes. Hardly Lex Luthor stuff there, I know, but when you're English you just do everything more stylishly. Mad Mod didn't really have any powers to speak of. But hey, at least he isn't trying to hypnotize anybody.

Mad Mod would go on to such nefarious schemes as blagging the Crown Jewels, and putting the letter U in more words than those pesky Americans would.

Turning up again years down the line, Mad Mod would return in the animated Teen Titans series, voiced by British person Malcolm McDowell. This incarnation of the Mod was a crazed inventor, and a brilliant way for the showrunners to turn everything he did into a reference to British pop culture, with homages to everything from Monty Python to Yellow Submarine.

Interestingly enough, England might be just about the only country you could base an entire character around gross stereotypes of, and it still doesn't seem racist for some reason. I mean, if you made a Mexican villain a taco eating luchador with pet chickens...that would just be irresponsibly racist. Wouldn't it?

7. Animal-Vegetable-Mineral-Man

Just look at that name. Whoever created this guy had all the chances in the world to come up with a better name. This was the 60's. The comic book world hadn't taken all the names yet. There was room for great, memorable names still to be had! But no. Animal-Vegetable-Mineral-Man stood tall in the face of his enemies, the Doom Patrol.

A Swedish scientist who fell into a vat of amino acids, AVMM, as he shall now be referred to, gained the amazing ability to transfigure any part of his body into parts of animals, minerals, or indeed vegetables.

There really isn't that much more to say about this guy, other than if you're taking a stroll down the street one day, just looking to fight crime in a nice peaceful way, and a villain comes screaming at you down the street hopping on the legs of an Alpaca with a parsnip for a head and waving arms made out of collard greens and the Starship Enterprise, he doesn't need to have AVMM emblazoned on his shirt for you to know just who you're dealing with. 

That really has to be one of the worst names in comic book history.

Proteor, Shapemaster, He could've been 'The Major General', even. Doom Patrol is lucky a plucky little rip off turned into the X-Men, or it would just have nothing to show for itself.

8. The Terrible Trio

We all know DC's Terrible Trio. Three everyday criminals who wore zoot suits and animal masks and end up looking like something you'd find when you've spent too long on Google Earth. They menaced Batman from now and then, and were generally dated as hell. But at least they had a gimmick, shallow as it may have been. The Terrible Trio I've picked for this list is another Terrible Trio altogether. One so awful that it takes all three of them to fill one spot on this list.

Let me take you back to the 60's, where villains needed catchy names and the most random and seemingly useless powers in the history of comic books. Doctor Doom assembled a fearsome team of three plucky criminals from the streets, and gave them superpowers loosely themed on them. It really was that simple in those days.

The aptly named Terrible Trio consisted of Bull Brogin, who was quite strong. Yogi Dakor, who has every racist Indian Yogi stereotype under the sun at his disposal, including fire invulnerability, snake charming, and riding a flying carpet, and of course Handsome Harry, who possesses the amazing power of super hearing. Super hearing, yes. For all the hearing based super villainy.

These losers would battle the Fantastic Four, with little measure of success. Because lets face it, being a bit strong ain't gonna help your ass against the Thing, and being invulnerable to Johnny Storm's flames still ain't gonna help your ass against the Thing. In a moment of truly genre defining trickery, they use an asbestos blanket against the human torch. That's the equivalent of going up against Ice Man armed with one of those heated blankets for joint pain or trying to battle Magneto wearing a rubber wetsuit.

In the years gone by, the Terrible trio have been lost to time and better super villains. Ones who have powers extending beyond the ability piss off an entire ethnic group or to overhear your neighbors having sex at 2am. 

9. Leap Frog

Now Stan Lee created a lot of characters in his time. Dozens of the greats of the comic book universe sprung from the brow of Stan the Man. Of course, you can't create as many characters as he did without producing a fair number of absolutely shite ones along the way as well.

Leap-Frog (who was French, obviously) dressed like a giant frog, with green flippers, googly eyes and all, and bounced around committing petty larceny with his amazing power of jumping.

That really is all there is to it. A goofy as fuck outfit with springs on the soles of his feet.

His backstory involved him being a designer of novelty goods, driven mad with the tiresome repetition of his job. Because everyone who works at Mattel goes out and builds a giant flaming death steed when work on the My Little Pony line gets boring. He probably had an amphibian based catchphrase to match, but I just can't be bothered to read enough old 70's Daredevil books to find it.

Leap Frog would menace Daredevil for a brief time, before retiring from the crime game.

You'd think a villain so awkward would have the good graces to stay forgotten, but no. Years later a second soul took up the proud mantle of Leap-Frog to battle Daredevil once more, only to be chucked off a building into a trash compactor in his first appearance. Stay dead that Leap-Frog? No sir! The resurrected Leaping terror would return Yet AGAIN to battle the Avengers, and be unceremoniously mullered by Wolverine. Because in French chess, Canadian trumps Frog person.

10. Metal Master

You know what I love? Characters that are just other characters, only crap. Stan the Man and his trusty pal Steve Ditko struck again when they created Metal Master. Practically the defining example of suffering other-better-character-related-crapness, and the worst part is, he came before his significantly more powerful and momentously popular successor, Magneto.

Metal Master has control over metal. Kinda like how Magneto has control over magnetism. But of course magnetism has a million other uses besides, suddenly making the ability to reform metal molecules less impressive. Sure, Metal Master tangled with the Hulk, and messed some heroes up pretty bad in his time, but his character design was absolute arse, and his power was never explored or really defined. (His powers wouldn't work on ALL metals, y'see.) I'm sure Stan and Steve were chuffed with themselves for thinking him up at the time, until Stan and Jack Kirby got together later that year and decided to make the same character, only a million times better, with a thrilling back story and a provocative psychological drive, who would go on decades later to be voted IGN's greatest comic book villain of ALL TIME. Yeah, don't seem to cool now do you Metal Master?

In summary, just like real life, the worlds of comic books are filled with wonderful characters, and just as many absolutely horrible ones we never wanted to meet in the first place. You won't thrill at the sight of Leap-Frog on the cover of the new issue of Thor, no one will wait with baited breath to see who they cast as Stiltman in Avengers: Age of the Silly Stilt Bastard, and you don't want The Mighty Endowed in your Heroclix army (Unless she's anatomically correct, maybe).

Think you can dig up a worse villain? By all means, let me know... These losers, the Z-listers lurking at the back of the supervillainy class will always have have a very special place in our hearts.

Book Review: The Shattered Sea Trilogy by Joe Abercrombie

Let's talk about Joe Abercrombie.

For those of you not familiar with him, picture the dark fantasy conflicts of George R R Martin, with the biting humour of Terry Pratchett and the sharp human dialogue of 'Stand By Me' era Stephen King, and you've got an inkling of what you might find in a Joe Abercrombie book.

Within the pages of an average book by ol' Joe, you'll find scoundrel lit at its finest. Characters ranging from grim, archetypal barbarians to shifty rogues and tortured old heroes fill the pages. But it's beneath the expected personalities where you'll find a complexity and nuance of character you won't find in other stories of the genre. Here are barbarians who doubt themselves, question their morals, and fight with the simple concept of barbarism. Storied commanders on the battlefield, with songs sung of their bravery, but fed up with the blood and the fighting, desiring nothing more than a farm or a wife to settle down with. These are human characters, with real faults and believable flaws, and it's easy to fall in love with the most heartless, hateful soul when you get to know them well enough.

Joe Abercrombie appeared on the fantasy scene only a short time ago, with an under-the-radar trilogy called The First Law. Chronicling the exploits of three seemingly unconnected heroes (in the vaguest sense of the word) who're swept into the machinations of superpowers far beyond their scope of understanding. It's bloody, hilarious, and genuinely thoughtful by turns.
With some of the most brutally lovable and enjoyably despicable characters I'd seen in the genre in years, I found the whole trilogy impossible to put down.
Joe would continue the world of The First Law with three more stand alone books, before expanding his horizons with an entirely new trilogy.

The Shattered Sea, the collected name for the trilogy of Half a King, Half the World, and Half a War, is Joe's latest work, and following in the footsteps of his earlier worlds, it's dark, gritty and fun all the way.

The Shattered Sea follows the events surrounding an inevitable war boiling amidst bordering countries, each individual nation with their own kings and queens, governed over in turn by a seemingly benevolent High King and his devious minister. Borders are being threatened, lines are being redrawn, and thrones are being vacated at an alarming rate. Unrest is particularly present in Gettland, where the young prince Yarvi is torn from his future as a respected minister when the male line above him is extinguished in a single night, leaving him as the unexpected and undesired monarch. In a world where kings are expected to be mighty warriors, Yarvi stands a frail figure with a crippled hand, but a mind sharp as any blade.

Half a King, the first book in the series, follows the first steps into the crooked rule of unexpected King Yarvi, as the broken King uses his wits and knowledge alone to survive backstabbing, betrayal, slavery and the advances of a drunken pirate queen. From this point on, into the second and third volumes, things only get bigger, wilder, and more enjoyable.

What separates Abercrombie's work from the rest is the fluidity at which our viewpoint character can switch. The story of the heir to the throne of Gettland is but one part of the larger war the Shattered Sea must face. More than just Yarvi's eyes are used to see the looming battle to come, and as the series continues, we're introduced to personalities like the savage Thorn, a young woman undeniably skilled in battle but scorned by other warriors because of her sex, and Brand, an untested warrior thrust Half the World away on a desperate mission to seek aid from the farthest reaches of the Shattered Sea. There are brilliant characters here, and lots of them. It's hard to pick favorites, in truth. Even the smallest roles are given character, history and a life of their own.

Like all great scoundrel lit, the villains are just as fun and likable as the heroes, like the towering barbarian king Grom-Gil-Gorm, whom it is prophesied that no man can kill, and the dashing Bright Yilling, a military commander who worships no higher power but Death herself.

The Shattered Sea books span a decade of plot, counterplot, scheming ministers and outright warfare, with the most dangerous weapons often being wicked minds. The writing is fast, intelligent, energetic and has some pretty solid twists along the way that'll impress the dedicated fantasy fan. Yet, as deep and complex as the story is, it isn't too dense or mired in its own world to be unreachable to casual readers, or even teen readers interested in a more mature fantasy experience.

Joe Abercrombie's work is breathing life into the speculative fiction genre in a way that I can't get enough of. While the story of The Shattered Sea may be over, there's glimpses of more brilliant characters in short stories to be found, and hints at greater enemies to come throughout The First Law trilogy. It's safe to say that whatever Joe has planned, his work certainly isn't over yet. 

Movie Review: Hitman Agent 47

I thought I'd be hard pressed to see a film worse than Fantastic Four this year.
In only one month, I have been proved wrong by Hitman Agent 47.

We're shoved full steam through a rushed overview of the film's setting by a narrator for the first few minutes. It's meant to set the scene, but does little towards making the film we're about to see make any sense. This film is not about an assassin, it is barely even about the titular 47 at all in fact. For the majority of the film we follow a young woman, Katia, who has spent her whole life searching for a mysterious man.
That really is all we're given to go on, as due to the truly awful plot, not much more makes sense. The man Katia seeks is her father, the creator of the secret project that created 47, but she doesn't know either of these details. So why or how she has spent her life searching for him is utterly a mystery, with no forthcoming explanation as the film goes on.
Pursued by the over-aggressive Agent 47, and teaming up with a strange man who calls himself John Smith, the woman continues her search across the globe. When they aren't being shot at by 47, we're treated to some truly excruciating dialogue scenes between Katia and John, that just feel incredibly awkward. Katia spends the whole film with tears in her eyes for no reason, making her performance seem melodramatic, and John Smith is just plain one of the worst characters put to the screen this year. His dialogue is dull, his personality is non-existant, and everything is delivered by an apparently stoned Zachary Quinto in his worst role to date.
47 pulls more face/heel turns than the Undertaker in the films first act, going from brooding, thoughtful hero to a bullet spraying maniac in minutes. Anyone who has played a Hitman game knows that it's about subtlety and subterfuge, the goal being for 47 to eliminate his targets with precision kills, and escaping entirely unseen. The 47 we see here has less subtlety than Anton Chigurh, pulling out his twin Berettas and blasting noisily away in every scene.
After 47 and Katia team up to find her father, the film settles into an uneven pace of extreme, almost comedic violence and long boring scenes of tiring dialogue. How a film can spend so much time talking and still make no sense is beyond me. So much of the film's plot runs entirely on hunches and pure guess work that it seems none of these highly specialized characters really know what they're doing. 

By the time the film rolls to a climax, we've switched protagonists a few times, and we've barely seen the character who is meant to be the arch villain, and really never even get an idea of who he's even meant to be before our heroes confront him.

There is so little enjoyable about this second adaptation of the popular video game series that it's really hard to know where to start. The protagonist, the titular 47, is soulless and devoid of personality, but not in the good way you expect from this character. His lines are wooden, and his wishy washy character simply doesn't make any sense. He's demanding his female ward to "Trust me!" in a desperate tone one scene, and then sadly sighing "Don't put your faith in me." the next. We see none of the thoughtful, intellectual character here, and he frankly comes off as awkward throughout the whole film. To make matters worse, the actor taking the mantle of 47, Rupert Friend, is simply not intimidating in the role. His voice carries no weight, and his stature is neither imposing, not threatening. The character of 47 is meant to be a human apex predator, a perfect, precise killing machine. What we have here is a James Bond sidekick at best.

Katia is an oddly soulless lead as well. A character who seems driven for no clear reason, with goals we never truly understand. She is said to have 'advanced survival abilities' which appear to manifest in the film as her literally seeing the future, and these abilities are continually used as a segway between scenes or get-out-of-awkward-situation free cards. Instead of it appearing like she's a character with advanced, inherent skills, it just seems supernatural, almost psychic in nature, and doesn't fit at all. There's even a baffling moment suggesting that Katia and 47 communicate telepathically that isn't remotely satisfactorily explained. The film can't quite decide if her story or 47's is the central one, so neither feel properly fleshed out, and her relationship to 47 is so thin and unconvincing, there's absolutely nothing to suggest she wouldn't switch alliances again at the drop of a hat.

This is a film that insists upon mood with nothing to back it up, providing a facade of drama without any substance behind it. 47 or John Smith will have action scenes of such little interest or impact, backed up with a soundtrack that desperately suggests to you that the scene is cool. The same is true of several painful scenes of drama, where a sudden violin overture will kick in to remind you to switch from excitement to sadness, because the dialogue sure as hell isn't going to get you there. You'll notice dialogue exchanges lifted straight from other films, in fact.

Hitman: Agent 47 boils down to an uninteresting and predictable climax, with little excitement along the way. The journey to the finale feels routine and genuinely uninspired, and the last scene is empty of any real feeling of satisfaction or resolution. There aren't loose ends, so to speak, just empty plot points. Why introduce 47's dispatcher at all if she never plays any significance on the plot whatsoever, and why does 47 disobey his orders without any reason? Why repeatedly show that Katia takes apart objects when she's bored, and never bring it back in the story? Unanswered questions that pull apart the integrity of the main characters make the whole thing feel like a half baked plan, a first draft that never saw another look.

It's hard to make a good video game movie, we know this from the long history of tepid adaptations, but Hitman: Agent 47 is a poor excuse for an attempt in almost every way.

Movie Review: Fantastic Four.

I have never been a big fan of the Fantastic Four.
In my opinion, they're the product of an older era of the superhero concept, one that has moved on in leaps and bounds in the sixty-odd years since the original Marvel team first appeared. They've tried to give a fresh spin to the familiar characters of Mr Fantastic, Johnny and Sue Storm, and The Thing so many times you would think they'd be unrecognizable, but nothing ever really seems to change with these guys.

The same seems to be true every time they cross to a new media. Sure, they had a popular cartoon in the 90's, but no one liked it as much as the X-Men cartoon, and the last two Fantastic Four film adaptations were coughed up among other, more successful comic movies and were swiftly forgotten. Did we really need another reboot of the team that just keeps getting left behind?

For the first hour of the brand new, imaginatively titled 'Fantastic Four', you could have fooled me that we did. We follow the misadventures of a young Reed Richards, a genius scientific prodigy building his teleportation device in his father's garage with the help of his friend Ben, and it's good cinema all the way. We watch their friendship grow as they work on Reed's device in his high school science fair, and then be tested as Reed is recruited by the project head of a secret government test site to finish ironing out the kinks in their grand design.

All this is good stuff. The character work is strong, the acting is enjoyable. The characters aren't a far stretch from what we know and expect. The project lead's two children, the frosty and detail oriented Sue Storm, and her cocky street racing brother Johnny, join Reed on his development of the teleportation device that will save mankind from itself. Also working on the project is the foreign wild-card Victor Von Doom, an outspoken youth with just as much genius as Reed, but dangerous personality quirks. At least, this is what we're told about Victor, from the point of view of the government suit who takes the role of the film's villain through 90% of the runtime.

The Victor we actually see isn't all that bad at all. He's just a confident, unforgiving young man who considers the ruling cliche of America unacceptable. Which isn't villainous at all, considering the proof we see of the nefarious intentions of these same government characters.

Together, the soon to become Fantastic foursome and Victor perfect the project, and in a twist of drunken college intent, decide to send themselves through the teleporter before some astronaut can take all the glory. Instead of it being the four we expect who get to travel to the alternate world, however,  they leave Sue Storm behind and drag along Ben Grimm, which seemed not particularly sensible, but friendship IS magic after all.

The excursion doesn't go as planned, and while Sue watches helplessly from her monitors back on Earth, Victor plunges his hand into a pool of living energy and sets off an earthquake that threatens to kill them all. Reed, Johnny and Grimm are thrown back through the teleporter (each with fitting and appropriate twists and malfunctions that decide their powers) and back to Earth to face the results of their mistake.

We see a glimpse of them afterwards, the four just beginning to show signs of their powers, before we are treated to the screen that, in my opinion, completely ruined the movie. A fade to black with the words: 1 year later.

Instead of following the characters we've seen for the whole film, and watch them experience their new powers, with all the joy and horror that would come with it, the film just skips it all entirely to take us to a future where they have already all mastered their abilities. We don't get to see Johnny Storm realize he can fly and throw fireballs, we don't get to see Sue learn to control her invisibility or develop her force fields, we don't get a single scene with poor old Ben Grimm realizing what he has become as he looks down at himself. All the character development up to this point is essentially wasted, and what should have been the most dramatic, intense part of the movie, is skipped completely.

From here, the film takes a roller coaster spiral downwards into the finale. No time is wasted on characters anymore, it's just government conspiracy and half-hearted arguments between the characters we don't really know anymore.

The finale rushes in like a truck, and after a second attempt to send travelers to the alternate world, Victor is back on the scene and becomes the movie's instant villain, with little to no real reason or drive. He's back, he wants to destroy everything, and the Fantastic Four must stop him.

The problem here is that we haven't seen these characters grow together, we haven't seen moments of reprieve from the training, or scenes of friendship or the characters just being themselves. From what we gather from the choppy sequences post time skip, they've barely even seen each other in a year. This doesn't feel like a team at all, as much as four characters who're just conveniently together in time to fight the bad guy. Which they do, and in under five minutes have defeated and saved the world.

The whole thing is over so fast and so effortlessly that Doom feels entirely like an afterthought instead of the great villain he's meant to be. The final battle is almost a joke, it's over so quick, not to mention they actually have a moment where Reed stretches out one of his arms to box Doom in the face, complete with comedy elastic noise, and expect us still to be taking the fight seriously.

It all started out so good, and it's such a shame that after the first act, the film just became a trial in the expected. There's no dynamic between our heroes, which is incredibly noticeable in the awkward scenes between Reed and Ben towards the end of the film, and there's not even any effort to develop the heavily hinted at love triangle with Reed/Sue/Doom that should have been so important. With its short run time, it seems to be missing its entire second act altogether.

The worst part is, for a superhero team that above all else and all others is about family, friendship and being close with one another, the Fantastic Four feels like less of a team than any other superhero movie I've ever seen. By the finale they seem to have no real connection, no genuine friendships, and the scene where they are meant to be taking friendly shots at each other just feels like they are being intentionally cruel to one another.

If the film could have continued with the fun and cleverness that it started with, there would be something here. What we have here instead, is a film that will be doing a very fine Invisible Woman impression at the box office.

Movie Review: Dude Bro Party Massacre 3.

I saw a film last week. I saw it in a quiet little theater after hours during San Diego Comic-con. It had the aura of going to some banned piece of cinema, no posters on the walls, just a few eager filmmakers and a lot of t shirts with exploding heads on them.
I was going to see Dude Bro Party Massacre 3, and I was not disappointed.

What unfolded on the screen before me was the most brilliant homage to the slasher horror genre of the 1980's you'll find out there today. It's inexcusably violent, unapologetically crude, and a huge amount of fun.

We're introduced to the blood soaked world of Dude Bro Party Massacre through a mile-a-minute recap of the previous (Non-existent) films in the series. Where we learn the terrible origins of serial killer Motherface, and how she has terrorized the beer swilling souls of the local fraternity, Delta Bi Theta, for years with grisly murders and truly terrible one liners. All presented stylishly in glorious 80's quality film, complete with fake commercials and tracking errors.

Now, at the dawn of Dude Bro Party Massacre 3, the identical twin brother of a previous victim of Motherface's rampage must infiltrate the frat house to find his brother's killer, and finally end the terror of Motherface. What follows is the most enjoyably silly take on the slasher genre you could hope for, complete with shirt ripping, dramatic monologues, nude tai-chi, and some wickedly funny dialogue. 

The true fun here is in the personalities. The filmmakers themselves fill out the roster of drunken louts that make up the frat house, and they're a lovable lot to watch on screen. Among the most memorable are Turbeaux, a high-energy freak played with a Jack Black-like zeal who beats pledges and is terrified of puppies, and Nedry, the wheelchair bound nerd who can't catch a break.

As the frat party head off to the lakeside house to inevitably get murdered, we also have a sub plot of a pair of police officers investigating the case, in their own special way. Officer Sminkle is a barely capable but kind hearted moron just about kept in line by the exasperated but eager-to-prove-herself officer Buttiker. These two are a great double act, give us just enough of a break from the frat storyline when needed, and Officer Sminkle just has some of the film's funniest lines. Appearing as the Police Chief is Patton Oswalt, and the smattering of celebrity is used perfectly, with just a perfectly fitting role and none of the ass kissing usually aimed at celebrities in smaller budget productions.

In short, Dude Bro Party Massacre 3 is exactly what you could want from it. It'll be your new guilty pleasure, your new party movie. A gory, offensive, foot stompingly funny time full of murders and unfortunate pledges and well-timed celebrity cameos. A mix of Kids in the Hall style comedy and Troma class gross out violence, with a surprising amount of heart. Most importantly, it feels like the filmmakers had fun making it, and that fun shows through in every scene. Just sit back and enjoy it, and join in the eternal speculation, what really goes on in the beef box? Will the world ever know?