Movie Review: Zoolander 2.

The world of fashion is a freaky and terrible place full of beauty and fear and painful stupidity, and no movie got that right in a more hilarious way than 2001's Zoolander. Hilarious characters, brilliant dialogue, and moments of surreal ridiculousness make it one of the most quoted comedies out there even 15 years after release.

Those seeking more of the unique comedy of Zoolander in the fancy new shoes of Zoolander No.2, will be sorely disappointed, however. In the same way we saw a few years back in Anchorman 2, Zoolander 2 takes the jokes that worked in the first film and tells them again, bigger and longer, and over and over. Sometimes it works, and there's a little of the old magic to be found, but unfortunately, the majority of Zoolander 2 is noticeably free of laughs.

Derek Zoolander has been in seclusion since the tragic death of his wife and the surrendering of his son to child services after the fated collapse of the Derek Zoolander school for kids who can't read good and who wanna learn to do other stuff good too. When he's contacted by globe-trotting Billy Zane and urged to return to the world of modelling, and thus regain his former life and the love of his son, Zoolander makes the long trip to Rome to meet with new fashion mogul Atoz and her mysterious crew of fashion villains.

Similarly returning from a life outside of the spotlight is free-love enthusiast Hansel, seeking a desperate escape from his quiet life when he learns he's got all 7 of his poly-amorous multi-racial lovers pregnant at once. Face to face once more, the two washed up male models must regain their skill and passion for the art, and along the way foil a Da Vinci Code style clandestine conspiracy to eliminate the world's pop-stars and save Zoolander's son from the machinations of the nefarious Mugatu.

Now as said, there is a little joy to be found in the returning characters. Zoolander and Hansel are great as they always were, and returning villain Mugatu is still probably the best character of the whole piece, but almost every new character that Zoolander 2 forces upon us is frankly awful. New antagonist Don Atari is particularly bad, with far too much time wasted on his endless and painfully unfunny faux-hipster dialogue. Other new characters like the awkwardly animated eleven-year-old-played-by-middle-aged-man Vip are just inexplicable as well as not funny, and the humor seems more forced on reminding the viewer how long it's been since the last movie than really giving us anything new to enjoy in this one. Some jokes that take great time and money to set up fall astoundingly flat, at one point in particular a car stunt that must have cost a fortune to shoot gives us about the weakest punchline in the entire film. The reprieves as far as new characters are concerned are found in the Fashion Police agent helping Derek and Hansel in their quest, who's not terrifically funny, but it does mean we get to see Penelope Cruz in lingerie swimwear, so be thankful for small mercies. Atoz herself is a great send-up of Donatella Versace, but one that runs a little out of steam with her only joke.

A big part of the first Zoolander's comedy came from careful celebrity cameos, and it made them feel organic, like they were a part of the story and there for a reason. Zoolander 2 takes that idea and utterly spoils it, by hamfisting in every celebrity they possibly can, just to have Derek or Hansel loudly exclaim their name and say "Wow, what're you doing here in (insert kooky situation)?" and then move on. A handful of the cameos are well placed, like an actually acting Keifer Sutherland who's too funny for the rest of the film, and some choice members of real fashion society, but most are just pathetic. No one who is a fan of the original Zoolander is going to be excited at the prospect of a Katy Perry or Kim Kardashian cameo.

Zoolander 2 really is a little taste of fashion week. There's some brilliance shining through, some diamonds amidst the rough, but the majority of what you'll see flouncing about on stage really is a lot of nonsense that no one would ever want to wear.

Movie Review: Deadpool.

Deadpool is a huge risk for the studio that made it, everyone knows this. A character popular with fans of the genre but almost entirely unknown to everyone else, and an R rated superhero film to boot. There hasn't been a successful one since Blade. How this film got made is probably a fantastic story in itself. Whoever talked such a thing into production will hopefully now be investigated, because Deadpool is fucking great fun for everyone involved.

For those who haven't read comics or walked into a Hot Topic in the last year, Deadpool is one of Marvel's current flagship characters. The alternative to the goodie-goodie stock heroics of Iron Man and The Avengers, Deadpool is a fast talking gun-for-hire with a split personality who constantly abuses the fourth wall. Translating this to other mediums is touchy, sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. Deadpool had a great video game release a few years ago that took the violence and quirkiness of the character and ran with it in a really fun way, but attempts to translate the character to novel form felt weird, and attempts to shoehorn him into the family friendly box for some of Marvel's cartoon shows left the character feeling justifiably neutered.

Making the Deadpool movie an R, and a HARD R at that, was the wisest thing anyone could have done with the property.

Deadpool pulls no punches. You'll see the most graphic violence on the screen so far this year, with the wise cracking mercenary cheerfully dropping F-bombs as he causes a multi car pileup and decapitates a motorbike rider with his own bike chain in the first few scenes. Then Deadpool turns to the camera, address the viewers, and invites us to enjoy his story. It's a story filled with blood, violence, naughty naughty words, elder abuse, masturbation, and a surprising amount of full frontal nudity for a film that, at some point, someone at Disney had to sign off on.

There isn't much depth to the plot, but it doesn't feel too light. It's an origin story, mixed with good old fashioned revenge. Deadpool takes us through his fated life as a street mercenary, spending his free time with the rowdy crowd of a local bar, where he meets Vanessa; the woman of his dreams, a take no shit prostitute who can talk Star Wars and generally best him at life decisions. The backstreet romance that Wade and Vanessa share is more convincing than most forced partnerships you'd see in a rom-com. When Wade is diagnosed with terminal cancer, he finally finds he has a reason to live, and so signs up for the terrible mutant experimentation of cockney-as-fuck supervillain Ajax.

Ajax probably isn't a villain that gets comic fans excited, he was a second rate character in the source material, but the Deadpool character does have a startling lack of true villains of his own in any medium, and what is done with Ajax on screen is really good. He's a no-nonsense, professional bad guy. More like something out of Lock, Stock than The Avengers. The urge to have him act like a supervillain is subverted in favor of him being a genuinely nasty piece of work.  When Ajax's horrific forced evolution experiments turn Wade into the hideous Deadpool and leaves him for dead in a blazing inferno, Deadpool pulls himself from the wreckage embued with his new mutant powers and a thirst for revenge.

There's pretty much just a first act and a third, and I could have done with a bit more meat in between, but keeping the pace moving with the snappiness it does, took careful work, and maybe shaking that up wouldn't work. There are an assortment of side characters, like Wade's friend and confidant Weasel, who is somehow both comedy sidekick and straight man foil at the same time, and the brilliant Blind Al, a character much loved by fans who is just fantastic here. All of these characters only see brief screentime, which is a shame in my opinion, some of these little characters needed plot resolution too.

Deadpool's only genuine allies along his path to revenge are Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead. The inclusion of these two X-Men property characters is actually incredibly well done in a few ways. It opens the door to most of the best fourth wall breaking jokes in the movie, as well as somehow giving the hint of an expanded universe in a more enjoyable way than ever before.

The most noticeable thing about Deadpool is that it doesn't really feel like a superhero movie. It is an action-comedy-romance-horror. A romactiohoredy, if you will. It has scenes of a relationship more honest and fun to watch than a lot of other films out there, and scenes of claustrophobic body horror that'll make you squirm, The action sequences are visually stunning, with incredible fight choreography. The writing is noticeably sharp. Deadpool is in almost every scene in the entire movie, and talking through each one as he goes, and he doesn't get irritating, he's lovable. His quips are closer to the observations you'd hear watching MST3K than the sort of goofy stuff Spider-Man would come out with. The humor is current and en pointe, with just enough line toed between jokes for everyone and jokes for comic fans that no one is left bewildered by the comedy.

I believe Deadpool will be loved by fans. Deadpool is a ton of fun in almost every way, it's one of the most satisfying adaptations of a comic book in years, and most impressive because it's managed to make itself more adult than the source material. Perhaps most importantly, the success of Deadpool could mean the reevaluation of the R-Rated comic book movie. It could pave the way for properties like Preacher, Transmetropolitan, and Rat Queens to be seriously considered for the big screen, and expanding the world of what is acceptable in film is beating censorship, and that's fantastic.

Official Doomtown Fiction: 'Behind the Stick'

My third official Doomtown story, Behind the Stick

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The dimly lit tables of Cooke’s Nightcap were sparsely populated as Forster Cooke stood behind the bar, surveying everything. Across the room, Asakichi wiped down the tables, and he gave her a big smile when she looked his direction. He was still smiling when he turned to the door and saw her standing there. He rubbed his eyes at first, momentarily failing to recognize Samantha. Her hair was wild from riding, a pistol holstered at her hip. She strode right to the bar and sat down before him.

“Samantha?” Forster said. Her hair and eyes reminded him painfully of her mother.

“It’s Sammy now, you know that.” The strength in her voice filled him with pride.

“What’re you doing here?”

“I’m here to knock some sense into yer thick skull. You followed me here, didn’t you?”

“It’s not like that.” Forster reached out gently toward her.

She pulled away quickly. “Like hell it ain’t. If you think begging’s gonna get me to come back, you’ve got another thing comin’. I’m with Sloane now.”

“Samantha, you’ll always be my daughter. Your sister and I –”

“She ain’t my sister,” Sammy snapped, her eyes darting across the room to Asakichi with a glare sharper than a knife.

Forster looked between his two girls in despair.

Sammy snapped her fingers sharply, speaking up so half the saloon could hear. “Gomorra is Sloane’s town. You stay here, I can’t protect you, and I know you think you can, but you can’t protect me either.”

A man sat down beside Sammy, so quiet he could’ve been a ghost. “Good to see you again Sammy,” said T’ou Chi Chow, tenting his hands on the bar.

Sammy looked between Chow and her father, and then swore under her breath. “I shoulda known you’d end up out here, Chow. Gomorra’s only a slight step up from the Armpit. But you oughta know better than to drag my father along with you!”

Chow smiled, his calm demeanor unphased. “All wise men have wiser allies. Your father is a man of many talents.”

Forster leaned over the bar, his brow furrowed. “Mr. Chow is doing important work here. It was my decision to come with.”

Sammy turned back to her father. “Important work that’ll get you killed. Take my warning … you won’t get another one.”

Forster looked down at her and sighed. “I may be an old barkeep. But no one, not Sloane or the Mayor himself, can stop me from keepin’ my girls safe. Ain’t nothing gonna convince me otherwise.”

Sammy looked back at her father’s weathered features and nodded. She leaned in, just a few inches, but the intimacy meant the world to Forster. “I know, Daddy,” she whispered as she stood. “Just be careful.” Forster watched her leave, right up until the door stopped swinging.

The Bandit King smiled, tilting from side to side. “Daughters … bandit hordes … I don’t know which one is harder to manage.”

Forster nodded as he poured another whiskey for his friend.

Official Doomtown Fiction: Double or Nuthin'.

My second official Doomtown story, Double or Nuthin'

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Rico’s hands flashed the cards across the table so quick they were a blur, and then slapped one of his powerful hands down on the table loud enough to make everyone jump.

“And that was when I realized that I might be in some real trouble.” Rico continued the story that had taken four hands to build, loud enough to grab the whole saloon’s attention. He pointed a finger into Charlie’s face and flipped over the first of his dealer cards.

“Now I knew being lost in the Maze was bad enough, but now that I’d lost my horse, I knew I was in for a time of it. Lady Luck, that fickle mistress, was scowling down on me, let me tell you.”

Grant and Morley glanced down at their cards briefly, before Rico’s arms spread wide, as if to encompass the whole room, and gave a hoot.

“That’s when I saw it! Maze Dragon … biggest one I ever seen. Coming right at me outta the blue.”

The dealer’s cards came up, and with a flourish, Rico was tugging in winnings from all three players at the table.

“Bad luck gentlemen. You know what they say, ‘Next time lucky.’ How about another round? Now where was I?”

Grant looked down at his swiftly dwindling pile of chips and opened his mouth to speak, when Rico tossed him another hand and a winning smile.

“That’s right! It was all thanks to the information I’d found when I was exploring the old Knot Mine that gave me the advantage I needed to outwit that big overgrown skink, and so it was that I developed a cunning plan that would lead me safely out of his clutches, and get me the gold after all.”

“Wait, where did the gold come from again?” Charlie said, looking up from his cards, failing to keep up with the story and focus on his hand at the same time. Rico waved the question away with a flourish of deft hands and dealt out the last card.

“Whole ‘nother story; we’ll come around to that later, don’t you worry yer pretty little head about it. So anyway, the dragon bears down on me, and I can feel his breath right on my face, he’s so close.”

Glancing across the cards on the table, Rico clapped his hands together and gave a deep sigh.

“Well gentlemen looks like the fickle mistress is on my side tonight, don’t it?” He leaned forward to scoop up his opponents’ last surviving chips.

“Wai– … wait. What happened with the dragon?” Morley asked, missing the flush he could have had with the right discard.

Rico looked up, a wide smile on his face.

“Then allow me to continue, of course. Everybody loves a good story. In the meantime, shall we say, double or nuthin’?”

Official Doomtown Fiction: 'For What Ails You'.

The first of my official Doomtown Fiction stories, For What Ails You

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You there, sir! Yes, you! You have a worried look about you. What could possibly be troubling you, my good man? Come, come, over here now. Don’t let the crowd fool you. This ain’t a revival, just good ol’ fashioned wonders.

See you got a spot of boils there. Bad news, that is … been seeing it all day.

How many kids do you have, eh? Three? Hand to heart, it’s nearly impossible to keep those little ‘uns safe. Must be making your hair fall out … but we’ll get to that in a moment. Coughing already, are they? Shame, shame. Been goin’ around something fierce from what I hear.

Well, what If I told you that I can protect you and your loved ones, all for little more than the price of a mint Julep? ‘Madness,’ you say! But look again, good sir: Scuttlesby’s Miracle Tonic! Distilled through an incredible mix of far eastern phosphenes, lunules, and mountain orchids, filtered through a unique skeuomorph of my own design, this fantastic tonic guarantees a clear mind, sharpened senses, and a body free of any sickness, fever, or malady you care to name … and it’ll even regrow that hair to boot! Don’t be shy, take a whiff sir.

Smells like science, doesn’t it? I could tell you were a perceptive man the moment I set eyes on you. That’s why I’ll offer you a deal like no other. This very day, a one time only offer, you can supply your whole family with Scuttlesby’s perfected, proven, and patented panacea.

Boils? Thing of the past.

Itchy rash? A mere memory.

And best of all, take care of those poor little children’s coughin’ and wheezin’ the whole day through.

Does it truly? Good people, would I stand here — a proud man, with knowledge gleaned from mystical medicinal masters from the Far East — and lie to you? Why would I, when it’s simply a matter of unique design working in cadence with the body’s natural equilibrium through correcting all negative bio-conductive influences? Elementary science!

Dabney Scuttlesby’s a man of his word. You’ll never feel better. Guaranteed results, on my dear grandmother’s life.

Three bottles sir? Of course. And one for you my lady? Absolutely, though not even I can improve on that lovely face … medicine can only go so far, am I right gentlemen?

And why not celebrate with a trip to the circus? Tickets to see the marvels of those fine souls at the Fourth Ring, courtesy of yours truly. That’ll brighten the kids up quick smart, let me tell you. No, no, don’t thank me, I’m just a man doing his service to the fine folks of Gomorra.

A wise purchase! Let your family know miracles are on their side.

You sir! Yes, you with the limp! What would you say if I told you I could take all that pain away, for barely more than the price of a plate of bacon? Come on over, let Dabney take care of you.

Movie Review: The Hateful Eight.

Seeing a new Quentin Tarantino film is often like ordering a new dish in your favorite restaurant. It's a different kind of something you probably already love, and going into The Hateful Eight is certainly no different.

That Tarantino has evolved as a director is an unquestionable fact. Unlike Peter Jackson for example, who somehow made the transition from gross-out cult horror flicks to colossal budget blockbusters in one step, Tarantino has evolved into a bigger version of the same beast. He's moved from the one-set piece gritty crime movie into grand scale gritty crime genre experience. The same style of sharp, profanity laden dialogue that was once delivered by a petty thief in an LA backdrop is now spoken by a cowboy in another place in time. He's exchanged the rooftops of Hollywood for the old west and beyond, but Tarantino is still definitely the man he once was.

The Hateful Eight is the next step on in Tarantino's constant stride, and delivers some of the finest grim and hilarious dialogue that you're used to in a Tarantino film. It carries the size and scope of Django Unchained, along with the western frontier setting, and mixes it with the pulp exploitation cinema feel of Inglourious Basterds. Most stunningly, with a run time clocking in just over 3 full hours, The Hateful Eight at no point feels too long. It's time well spent, with every scene a character filled tableaux of utter bastards, bounty hunters, criminals, all wrapped up together in an old school whodunit of murder and revenge. 

To tell too much of the story would give the whole game away, so sticking to the basics, it goes a little like this: A carriage containing a famous bounty hunter and his latest high priced acquisition trundles through the frontier wastes trying to outrun a massive snowstorm, their only hope is to make it to a tiny isolated store in the middle of nowhere to hole up until the storm passes. Along the way they cross paths with another bounty hunter, even more dangerous than the first, who comes along for the ride, and they exchange pleasantries and suspicions aplenty. These two hard assed bounty hunters are two of the films standout performances, with Kurt Russel and Sam Jackson both back on top form, and a joy to watch. The pair encounter another western staple, the shady cowardly bastard type, who's on his way to becoming the new Sheriff of the town up ahead, and under pressure end up taking him along too. The cast begins to increase bit by bit, each character adding to the background of others as it seems everyone seems to know a little about everyone else. It starts to feel a little like a Poirot story, each time a character gets a little flesh, they gain a few nasty notches on their backstory along with it. 

When the troupe reach their destination, a battered but welcoming store filled with supplies and a roaring fire, the storm is upon them, and shacking up for the duration, the mean bastards who populate the place try to settle in for the long night ahead. Among those gathered within the store are some classic Tarantino personalities, like Tim Roth as an eagerly chatty hangman, and a sullen faced Michael Madsen in classic cowboy garb, taking the measure of those around him. We've got commanding officers from both sides of the civil war, mysterious Mexicans and crotchety old racists, sharing stories and veiled threats. The whole scene is wonderfully tense, and brilliantly played. It's only a matter of time before someone gets horribly murdered, after all.

The whole experience of The Hateful Eight feels like a real night's entertainment. It's a callback in theme and in concept to a western serial, with an appropriately grand overture and even a narrators recap complete with a "When we last left our heroes..." 

The time flies by. It's not often a film of this length uses the time well. In some places it somehow even feels a touch rushed (We're treated to more than one scene where every line of dialogue exchanges backstory in forced exposition that might have been a step too much). Of course the bread and butter of a Tarantino film is the characters, and they're all great here. No real heroes, only varying degrees of villainy, and but for the sole exception of a noticeably awful performance from a truly mystifying casting choice in the final act, all brilliant performances. It's fun to pick favorites, and it's good to see all these Tarantino classics back together again. I feel one missed opportunity came mid-way through the film, where it incorporates in a 12 minute intermission, and then immediately after the return, poses a whodunit question to the audience. If it had been posed immediately before the intermission, it would've encouraged the audience to speculate on who, indeed, did it. 

I'm glad that The Hateful Eight has come around, as it very nearly didn't happen at all. Tarantino is a constant in the otherwise sloppy world of contemporary film, and I don't want to miss a single one of his gritty, gruesome works of art. 

Comic Review: The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl

If a series gets two first issues in the same year, you know it's got to be either really good, or a shameless cash in.
Thankfully, The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl #1 (Volume 2?), by Ryan North and Erica Henderson, is heaps of the former, coming out with a great first issue, for the second time this year.

With not much comedy on the shelves in modern day, it's good to see Marvel put out something both alternative, and actually really funny. The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl is, in essence, a superhero sitcom, with our titular heroine attending college, making friends, and defeating villains on the side. This incarnation of Squirrel Girl is the most well formed of the character to date, with a distinct lovable personality, yet remaining grounded and not too looney to be unrealistic. For a character who talks to squirrels as her main superpower, she's remarkably identifiable, being an otherwise typically socially awkward young woman.
The dialogue is sharp and witty, falling somewhere between the humor of 'Communuty' and 'Spaced', with a cast of exceedingly likable new characters like Squirrel Girl's college roommate, the cat-obsessed computer science major Nancy, and the beginnings of Squirrel Girl's own adorable animal-themed supergroup: Chipmunk Hunk and Koi Boi (Who talks to fish and slowly grows to fit the size of his container)
It's sharp on the social commentary, in a not-so-subtle-in-your-damn-face kinda way, with all the main characters being modern college students, they talk like actual young people, and the whole thing is a nice breath of fresh air, both with the multi-racial characters and the openly feminist themes. Also returning is the mini commentary by the creators in tiny text at the bottom of every page, offering often hilarious insight. 

The downfall here is that Squirrel Girl's personality in other comics may seem derivative after reading The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl, as her personality elsewhere just doesn't match up to her wit and intelligence here. She's a recent addition to the New Avengers team, and her appearance there (so far, at least) is occasional one panel comic relief.. With a passing joke about her new teleporter in The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl, they blew away all the comedy in the New Avengers in one go. Squirrel Girl as a character is evolving because of this series, and it may take a while for other books to catch up to that.

The funniest thing about The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl may be her almost meta-awareness of her place in the Marvel Universe. She heads over to Tony Stark to borrow a Squirrel shaped Iron Man outfit, because she can! She's friends with Deadpool, because who wouldn't be? There's a brilliant throwaway gag as Squirrel Girl's mother explains exactly why technically (and legally) Squirrel Girl isn't a mutant. It's fun stuff, and the new series looks to be even better than the last. With writer Ryan North finding a continuous pace that keeps getting more enjoyable to read, and artist Erica Henderson giving a distinctive, expression heavy style to the characters that fits perfectly.

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl is one of the best comedy books of the shelves at the moment, not because of obvious jokes, but because of charm and character. If the strength of the new first issue is any indication, it looks like Squirrel Girl has a lot of adventures ahead.